This, according to Dictionary.com, is the definition of “winning”:

win·ning

[win-ing]
–noun
1. the act of a person or thing that wins.
2. Usually, winnings. something that is won, especially money.

….

–adjective

4. that wins;  successful or victorious, as in a contest: the winning team.
5. charming; engaging; pleasing: a winning child; a winning smile.

Those definitions were still relevant three months ago, in the time before Charlie Sheen’s attention-seeking meltdowns and delusional ranting. Then it became fodder for t-shirt makers across the web, but not before the significance of being victorious was pummeled to death by mediocre tweeters.

“Just enough milk for my cereal. #winning,” they’d tweet, or other inane musings of that ilk. The word’s been reduced to a routine hashtag, exhausting eight of the 140 precious characters Twitter permits to share another mundane detail.

But that wasn’t enough. The “winning” meme received a devastating blow today with the release of Snoop Dogg’s Sheen-inspired “Winning” track.

Snoop Dogg – Winning (ft. Charlie Sheen)

Yes, Mr. Gin & Juice of 90s West Coast gangsta rap fame, now a long-time caricature of his former self, actually took the time to write record (refuse to believe he actually wrote anything) a song about winning.

Sad, because who doesn’t enjoy feeling like a winner? Everyone wants to bellow out a heartfelt, Johnny Drama-esque, “Victory!” cheer. It feels damn good. This song fails to convey such emotions.

Instead, what you’re forced to hear is a synthesized, robotic loop of Charlie Sheen’s voice saying, “winning.” The loop sounds as if it’d be more appropriate in a remix to Johan Johannson’s “The Sun’s Gone Dim.” Otherwise knows as that song from the Battle: Los Angeles trailer.

Nonetheless, I don’t have robot ears, and I don’t feel like a winner. I feel my forehead pressed against my left hand and my eyes rolling behind my closed eyelids. I feel a deep sigh forming in my lungs and preparing to escape through my nose. I feel my right index finger clicking the stop button with fury and purpose.

The song is an insurmountable defeat. The only resolution: “Winning” must be dumped from our vernacular in this time of desperate need. Time to pull out the thesaurus.